problem. drunk. stepbrother hitting on me again. help.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
