I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
