Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
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when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
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So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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