i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.
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He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
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She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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