just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
