my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
