D3 body, D1 cock
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
