my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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