No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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