No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Randomize
