At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
