Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
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