I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
You ate ashes out of my bong
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
