lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
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