in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
