If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
My breasts were aching with rage.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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