it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
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