I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
Randomize
