never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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