the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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