The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Randomize
