I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
He did a backflip because drugs
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
