Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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