wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
