hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
wouldn't it be funny if when girls shaved their vaginas, they gave them sideburns?
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
