Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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