So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
