sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize