The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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