from now on my penis is your penis
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
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