In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
