Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
random boy in my bed. last night wasnt a dream. fuck.
Randomize
