can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans
who is canola oil?
you're an idiot.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Randomize
