I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
