Ok seriously, can we bring back badminton?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
BRING THE BAGELS
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
