im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
