Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
Randomize
