Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Randomize
