Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
it's like heaven, but drunker
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
