my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
