just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
