These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
