please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
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I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
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I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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