I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
