i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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