She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
