I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
