if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
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