Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
