he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
