When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Randomize
