I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My friend is getting herself a tramp stamp that says "property of the half blood prince".
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
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