I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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