Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
