if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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