what time did you get home last night?
SO late...when your in the lap of a 35 year old superstar you loose track of time
He said to me " i could be your father but i dont care"...it was so hott
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Randomize
