remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
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Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
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I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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