I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
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