Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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